. . . is a phrase that can have several different meanings or intentions. In this context, I’m saying “I’m still here, my blog is still here, and both are in a reassessment mode.” Add to that a few technical difficulties with the site along the way, and the worst case of bronchitis I’ve ever had, all conspired to keep me away a lot longer than I had planned.
But, I’m still here.
Two years into this not-working thing – oh hell, let me say it like it is – I’m retired. (Just for the record though – I really don’t like that word. It has a “done” connotation that is so off-putting to me.) Aaanyway, two years in and, with and without intention, I’m in a reassessment mode.
There’s a settling in that happens with most big life changes, but that settling in takes time and is not without reverberations from one’s past life. I remember my brother telling me that it took him two years to feel comfortable in his own skin again after he retired. In the beginning, leaving a long career for something new was euphoric. Everything seemed fresh and free and undiscovered. It was a heady time. But a big life change like that is kind of like an earthquake. The initial jolt shakes your foundation, a little or a lot. Even when the event is a good thing – like retiring – the change to your life, to your sense of self, is profound. And then there are the aftershocks. All the little things that crop up to question your decision, your new status, who you are or who you think you are.
As I was telling a dear friend recently, over the last two years, I have done more “looking in the rearview mirror” than I ever have. I think that’s to be expected though. Entering this phase of life is surprising, to be honest. In a way, the looking back is almost like trying to find and confirm all the substance of your life up to this point. My sweet friend put it this way, “Sometimes you have to look back in order to be more present and to keep looking forward.” That makes sense to me.
It just all goes So. Darn. Fast. It’s shocking to find yourself here. We’re Boomers after all. Perpetually young, right? Well, not so much. We’re not young anymore, but we’re still youthful, vibrant, curious, excited about life, growing, learning . . . in other words, we’re . . . not . . . done.
Anyway, I now find myself flirting with a little reassessment. Looking under the hood, checking in with myself, my life. I like to test myself with questions like “am I really happy? Or “am I just deluding myself?” “Am I satisfied with where I’m at? Who am I now?” or “What am I missing?” “Shouldn’t I be doing something more important?”
I’ve given a few of these questions some thought, and here’s what I’ve come up with so far.
Am I really happy? Yep, I am. No need to define it or offer proof points. Just happy. The world has issues that make me crazy and frustrated, and some days I find myself “spinning” a bit, but none of that can take away what I feel deeply. Happy. And no, I’m not deluding myself.
Am I satisfied with where I’m at or who I am? Well, I need to answer that question with another question. Since when have I ever been completely satisfied with where I’m at or who I am? Never . . . not completely anyway. I’ve had great moments or times of satisfaction with the status quo, but in my heart of hearts, I’m a searcher. Always have been, always will be. To me, life is continually in flux, allowing me a perpetual state of growth – or at least the opportunity for it. There’s so much to discover about being a human in this life that, to me, the searching should really take up one’s entire life. That’s why “being satisfied” will never be something I aspire to . . . ever. I guess you could say I’m satisfied with not being fully satisfied.
What’s missing? Nothing and lots of things. By things I don’t mean material anything, but more experiences, adventures, creative endeavors, thought development, more moments of flow. And then again, nothing important is missing. My life is filled with love and gratitude. Enough said.
I guess these questions can apply to whatever life stage you’re in. And don’t you think we can all use a little check-up or check-in once in a while? Stuff changes and then we adapt. No matter how subtle the change is, we alter our lives accordingly. Even when there’s not been a big change, taking a look at your life allows you a moment to savor where you are, what you’ve accomplished, and to reassure yourself that the path in front of you is still the one you choose.
“I haven’t a clue how my story will end, but that’s all right.
When you set out on a journey and night covers the road,
That’s when you discover the stars.”
Nancy Willard
The saddest thing to me would be to walk through life without questioning, seeking, pulling back the layers. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.” I’m with Ralphie.
You?
Till next time, and sooner than later,
Judy