Without expectations

That’s what this holiday season has been about for me. No expectations.  And I have to say it’s been one of the happiest.  Without any notion of what it “should” be, I’ve let each day unfold as it comes. In previous years, I couldn’t help myself and I would reflect back on Christmases of the past and try to recreate some of those special times. Of course, it was never the same and I would end up lugging around a load of melancholy that left me with an ache in my heart and missing what was right in front of me.  

I missed my mother so much during those times.  She’s been gone well over 10 years now.  She made Christmas so special for all of us, so her absence is always felt especially deeply during the holiday season. 

This year was different though.  To be honest, I’m not exactly sure why or when I decided I’d had enough of the past. And I was tired of carrying around my own expectations of others in the hope of recreating those old times.  I do know that I took a long, clear look at my life as it is right now and decided that it’s just too damn good to be wasting another minute looking back at what was.  I have a wonderful family and an amazing family of friends – all of whom I love dearly and can’t imagine my life without them. 

When I did that, I felt a release and an unburdening – almost physically.  And what took the place of melancholy was a deep sense of joy and an energy that I haven’t felt during the holidays for quite some time. 

So, it got me thinking. What other joy or connection could I be missing by laboring under an unnecessary expectancy of my own creation? What if I could start to look at each day, event, situation in my life through a slightly different lens? One without any prediction?  It’s a little scary to realize just how powerful the “energy of expectations” can be and the hold it can have on us.  Releasing that is tremendously freeing.

Think about it.  Most of the time, these things are automatic and we’ve only created them based on what we believe is the best way, the right solution, the appropriate behavior.  And boy do we all have them and lay them on each other and our life circumstances. Only to rob us of the joy of discovery. Question: who made us judge and jury?

Instead of those preoccupations getting us closer to our dream life or relationship, we distance ourselves without even realizing it from the ones we love the most or from the opportunities or life that we crave.

And at this stage in life, there’s really, seriously no time to waste with useless judgements or unreal expectations.

The other night, a dear friend of mine said that she felt that her Christmas celebrations would “be sad” this year because of changing dynamics within the family.  My immediate reaction was disappointment for her. But with a little time, I realized that what she was considering sad was again expectations gone awry.  Just because a couple of days were not turning out to be as expected based on past experience, all that was left was to be sad?  

I don’t think so.  

Fortunately, this friend has a loving marriage and a wonderful husband, so no doubt they will rally and create new traditions that are special to them. But in the meantime, her initial expectations were lessening her joy and creating a sense of loss.

Since this “no expectations” experiment of mine has been pretty successful this season, I’m making it an ongoing challenge for myself.  When I feel myself beginning to construct a picture in my mind of what something should be or what I’m expecting it to be, I am promising myself to stop, find my center, take a deep breath, release, and let it flow.

It’ll be a day, or a moment, at a time, but I’m determined to give it a go.  Like I said, there’s really no time to lose.  And honestly, it’s a relief to just be here now (thank you Ram Dass) with no expectations to carry along.

As another great poet of our times wrote “let it be.”  So, I shall.  How about you?

Till next time, I wish you a joyous holiday, filled with whatever happens to be at that moment in time.  No expectations here. (wink and a smile)

Judy